As I again reflect on my goals and achievements of this year I see that I can’t evaluate my life the in the same way. Now my goals are not so much in the doing, but in the fun of living and being there for those I love. It is in our health and our energy and desire to continue on this path. What is this path? It involves freedom and relaxation, but of a different kind. Freedom always meant to me that I could do what I wanted, now I also want a freedom to do what others want of me, some of the time anyway. I still need a freedom to be who and what I want to be and to become. I see that I continue to change and become in ways that I never saw for me. Well, that is not so different from what everyone else wants...
What about relaxation? By this, I mean, relaxation from stress and conflict. But, isn’t that also what most people want? I used to embrace stress and used it to accomplish more. Now, I hide from stress and get grouchy, when it interferes with my plans. Before, I used to think of relaxation as the time that I would sit and do nothing - like on the beach or to read a book in the middle of the day. Now, I want to do everything relaxed - not hurry - or with a deadline. I used to like the pressure of having to do too much. Now I’m finally learning that I can relax in my half-finished projects because I don’t have to put a deadline on them and can just let them sit there “para mañana." But it's not easy; a part of me still craves to work on them and to be able to finish any one of them now! I think Yoga has helped me with this because at these times I catch myself breathing deeply :)
Now, living a RELAXED, STRESS-FREE LIFE does not mean I want to live a SLOW LIFE. I want my days to be full and busy, I feel lost if I am not focused, or if I just wait to see what the day will bring. I have always been a doer and want my life to flow. Maybe I haven’t changed so much, only now that I am retired, I am able to do more, yet not everything - because I know that “everything" will never get done. I don’t know if that is the same for everyone, it’s not something that people talk about. Do others have these same conflicts?
This reminds me that soon Ill be writing my New Year’s Resolutions again, I wonder what I’ll say… I don’t want to look at it yet, because that will be just one more thing to plan for and do, so NOT YET!